Have you ever recited or read through the customary prayer called Zaka?

If you haven’t, you may find it somewhat jarring.

This lengthy supplication is featured at the very beginning of the Yom Kippur evening prayer services, even before the more famous Kol Nidreh. 

It reads as a heartfelt confessional, a desperate acknowledgement of guilt, and an expression of shame for wrongdoing, with much of the language focused specifically on various kinds of sexual transgressions. As a kid and teen, I remember finding this part of the prayer confusing, even a little disturbing, but I just assumed it was meant for adults and/ or men. 

For a long time I wondered about the fact that sexual misconduct was featured so prominently in the Yom Kippur liturgy- both this Zaka portion and then later again in the afternoon Torah reading, which lists all the prohibited adulterous and illicit unions. 

Now as a therapist, I have more of an appreciation for this theme: 

One of the most inhibiting obstacles to psychospiritual wellbeing, for many, is debilitating shame. 

The cognitive distortions like: 

“I don’t deserve to {insert some good, moral, holy, kind, inspired thing} because deep down, I know that I have done {insert some bad, immoral, unholy, embarrassing thing}. It would be hypocritical and fake for me to now act as if I’m this innocent, sincere, noble person by doing something good, when I identify so deeply and shamefully with the parts of me that have sinned and are so dissonant with that.” 

How many people shy away from others- their communities, families, friends, in part, due to this shame-based, perceived lack of worthiness? *

I’ve lost count of how many people I’ve heard, kind, sincere, well-meaning clients and friends share something like: “If people only knew the truth about me, they would hate me.” 

Sexuality, even the most benign, ubiquitous expressions of it, and surely the more transgressive temptations and habits, are often accompanied by feelings of deep shame and self-loathing. There are likely many Jews who, based on what they’ve watched, imagined, desired, or done, feel unworthy of going to shul, of praying, or even trying to be better or holier in any way. Still others, many others, psychologically split their identities, hiding and suppressing, or even denying their sexual selves that don’t fit with their otherwise religiously adherent personas. 

Maybe what this opening prayer is teaching is that no matter how imperfectly we’ve acted in the past, no matter how far our behaviors have deviated from the best versions of ourselves, the whole self, even the darkest, most mortifying thoughts and deeds, are invited to this holy day of introspection, repair, cleansing, and atonement. In fact, that’s exactly what this day is for. It’s for digging deep, confessing whole-heartedly and honestly, that we may truly feel a rejuvenation of the soul and body. Everyone in whatever way pertains to their struggles, since: “There is no human on Earth that does {only} good and never sins.” 

(If everyone who watched or imagined inappropriate things during the year refrained from going to shul on Yom Kippur, the sanctuaries would be a lot less crowded. And that would be wrong.)

The Talmud tells a tale of a man called Elazar ben Dordaya, who was promiscuous in the extreme- sparing no expense, leaving no prostitute he heard of un-patronized by him. Yet the Gemara talks about the intense, heartfelt repentance he did in a moment of deep remorse, by which even this most vulgar life of sin was redeemed, and it was said that he "acquired his world [to come] in one hour and was even called 'Rabbi.'"

The holiest day of the year begins and continues by explicitly acknowledging exactly the parts of human failings that are the most difficult and even taboo to talk about. G-d doesn’t want us to hide from Him, (as Adam and Eve did when they inaugurated sin as part of the human condition). He wants us to bring everything to Him, even the messiest, most humiliating parts, without euphemism, and heal, and then He can help us repair and do better. 

And so we begin this holiest 25 hours by jumping into the deep end of integrity, shedding any pretenses, by getting the worst out of the way, and facing our Father in Heaven with the least savory confessions, knowing that despite all of this, we are wanted here, we are loved by Him, and there is the possibility, the imperative of self-sanctification and reconnection to highest self and to Him. 

For the many individuals who don’t relate to this particular genre of transgression, please remember that we are all tested in different ways, and we can be grateful for not needing to battle this powerful and ubiquitous temptation and be sympathetic to those who do. For those who’ve been tested and always triumphed, congratulations; that’s a big deal. And for those who struggle with low desire, negative experiences, or aversion, wishing you (if you want it) healthy, holy love and pleasure with the right partner at the right time. 

*Important note: this post is addressing the kind of sexual shame that often accompanies normative sexual feelings, thoughts, desires, and individual or consensual nonviolent behaviors, including some that are religiously forbidden. By contrast, sexual assault, abuse, exploitation, molestation, and crimes (including the viewing of child sexual abuse material) are very different from other sexual transgressions, in that, aside from being sinful, they also victimize innocent people. Therefore in those cases, it would generally be appropriate for remorseful perpetrators who are interested in repentance to distance themselves from victims or potential victims, and immediately seek professional help, and where relevant, legal advice about potential voluntary surrender. Many of our communities are in the process of doing teshuva toward actively trying to make our institutions safer places, and everyone can participate in this in various ways, by sharing safety education, protecting the vulnerable, and supporting victims. Praying for an end to this and all suffering, this year, speedily.